Rant du Hallowe’en

I have heard from various people that they did not hand out candy this year to the little ones. Let’s list a few valid reasons for choosing not to do so:

• You have a kid that you have to bring around the block. Totally understandable. You can’t be in two places at once. They need protection, plus you have to swindle a few extra treats out of the Scrooges.
• Your dog has just died. Totally understandable.
• You live in an apartment building. Totally understandable. It’s not like you’re going to camp out in the lobby and give out candy to the kids. But if you choose to do that, bravo! You’re a star!
• You’re living day-to-day on funds. Totally understandable.
• Your religion forbids it. Totally understandable. Don’t even try to pawn off one of those ‘personal religions’ in your defense.

Now for those of you rotten no-good adults who have chosen not to give out candy because:

• You didn’t want to be bothered.
• You feel there’s enough houses on the block that you don’t need to be one. The kids will get their own candy.
• You’re cheap.
• Some other lame reason that I haven’t thought about here.

Here’s my message to you Scrooges. Yeah, I know, Palmer shouldn’t have an opinion and he should remain politically correct. Well not today.

If you choose to not give out candy, you should be ashamed. We ALL know that we have all enjoyed a good Trick-or-treating event when we were younger (unless religion prevented it…are there any that boycott Hallowe’en? Perhaps the Jehovah’s Witnesses.) and that you should pay your dues. It’s your duty as an adult who lives in their own domain. Now, for those who still live with their parents, heck, let your parents hand out the candy. It ain’t your house.

Honestly, you are the lowest of the low, the scum of the Earth for not handing out candy. I think that if you decide not to hand out candy just because you can’t be bothered, then your children should pay the price and when every other kid on the block is getting some candy, you will have to explain to your kids that they cannot because you are a Scrooge. Or, at least, you were a Scrooge ONCE in your life because after you read Palmer’s Rant you realized that you will never make this mistake again and will hand out candy. In that case, everyone can make a mistake ONCE, and their children shouldn’t have to pay for your crimes. But if you so much as do this mistake TWICE, your child is getting worms to chew on at Hallowe’en.

This goes out to those who decided not to give out candy for lame-ass reasons. I know you’re out there because you’ve told me in person. I hope the look on my face at the time haunts you.

If any of you has a lame-ass reason that wasn’t listed here and you wish to ask me if it’s a good enough reason not to hand out candy, please feel free to send it to me and I will be judge as to whether or not you should be shamed or not.